Havok Posted February 11, 2003 Share Posted February 11, 2003 (edited) A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble, sarge." A major is walking along with his aide. As young squaddies salute him he says "Same to you". His aide asks why he is saying this. He replies: "I was a squaddie once. I know what they're thinking when they salute me." Once upon a time, there was a famous MP patrol in Naples, Italy: a big soldier, accompanied by his much smaller (140cm) partner. They were out every time something really hot was up, like bringing some drunken Marines in. It was a mystery for everybody: Why the hell did the big fella bring this dwarf along if things were looking bad? Wouldn't he want another big 'un to back him up? One day they plucked up courage to ask the big guy. The answer was simple: "Imagine you're a Marine, you've been on your ship for three months, and it's your first night ashore. You are drunk, you want a girl, and suddenly the MP comes to bring you back to your ship. You're ###### and ready for a fight. And then you look and you see two guys, one big, and one very small. Tell me, which one would you hit?" This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call. British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated." "What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The tip of me ###### to me balls, sahr!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!" Edited February 11, 2003 by =UAL=Havok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHT_TAW Posted February 11, 2003 Share Posted February 11, 2003 The last one was the funniest.....He's gonna get losts o' sterling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Slink Posted February 11, 2003 Share Posted February 11, 2003 I like the last two the most. Very good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the-dutchman Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 pretty funny... especialy the last one... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Slink Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 The Falklands are what? 3000km from England. How many inches in a km? I'm a metric guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteKnight77 Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 One meter = 39.37 inches One mile = 1.6KM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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