'Drugs' By Denis Leary

[XavierOnasis]

More good stuff from the world's biggest ###hole. Think I got everything. Loses a lot w/o Denis, but it's still funny

"Ladies and Gentlemen, due to illness, tonight the part of Denis Leary will be played by Denis Leary. And now, please welcome Denis Leary."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And ###### you.

There's a guy--I don't know if you've heard about this guy, he's been on the news a lot lately. There's a guy (he's English, I don't think we should hold that against him), but apparently this is his life's dream because he is going country to country. He has a Senate hearing coming up in this country in a couple of weeks. And this is what he wants to do. He wants to make the warnings on the packs bigger. Yeah! He wants the whole front of the pack to be the warning. Like the problem is we just haven't noticed yet. Right? Like he's going to get his way and all of the sudden smokers around the world are going to be going, "Yeah, Bill, I've got some cigarettes--holy ######! These things are bad for you! ######, I thought they were good for you! I thought they had Vitamin C in 'em and stuff!"

You ######ing dolt. Doesn't matter how big the warnings are. You could have cigarettes that were called "Warnings." You could have cigarettes that come in a black pack, with a skull and a crossbone on the front, called "Tumors" . . . and smokers would be lined up around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these ######ing things! I bet you get a tumor as soon as you light up! Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm . . ." Doesn't matter how big the warnings are or how much they cost. Keep raising the prices, we'll break into your houses to get the ######ing cigarettes, okay? They're a drug, we're addicted, okay? Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm (Wheezes) I'm a little hyped up tonight. Little hyped up. Smoked a nice big fat bag of crack right before the show. (Screaming)ARRGGGHHH!

I'm only kidding, folks. I would never do crack. I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay, folks? Kind of a personal guideline in my life. Somebody says, "You want some crack?" I say, "I was born with one, pal! I really don't need another one, thank you very much! If I want the second crack, I'll give you a call. But for right now, I'm sticking with the solo crackola, thank you! If I want to fart in stereo, I'll just call up and get that second ######ing crackola, but right now the big guy's fine with the solo ######ing crack. Thank you!"

God . . . crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, "You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, okay? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go (his chest explodes), Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!"

That's the problem in this country. People are never satisfied with stuff the way it is. They gotta make it bigger and better and stronger and faster. Same way with pot. For years pot was just joints, and then bongs came out and bongs were okay too, but then bongs weren't good enough for some people. Neeehhhhhh! Remember that friend in high school who wanted to make bongs out of everything? Making bongs out of apples and oranges and ######? Come in one day and find your friend going, "Hey look, man, I made a bong outta my head! Put the pot in this ear and suck it outta this one! Go ahead, take a hit!" (snort) Then they graduate to one of those big giant bongs that you gotta start up like a motorcycle. "Put the pot in!" (motor starting) Kids are driving their bongs down FDR Drive. "Pull the bong over, man, I wanna do a hit. Pull it over." What was the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of Twinkies, and going to sleep? Was that a problem?

They say marijuana leads to other drugs. No it doesn't, it leads to ######ing carpentry--that's the problem, folks. People getting high, going, "Wow, man, this box would make an excellent bong! (grabs the onstage box and snorts from it) This guy's head would make an excellent bong!" (clutches a man's head in the first row and snorts from it) Relax! That's why I stopped doing drugs in the first place. Not because I didn't like 'em, but because I didn't want to build anything, okay?

I don't do illegal drugs any more. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroin. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I'm telling you right now, I took the NyQuil five years ago, I just came out of the coma tonight before the ######ing show! Claus Von Bulow was standing over my bed going, "Denis, get up! There's something the matter with Sonny! Hurry up!" I love NyQuil, man. I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it. It's the best ###### ever invented. Isn't it, huh? I love the name alone. NyQuil--Capitol N, small Y, big ######ing Q! I love that ######ing Q, don't you? What a great advertising idea. Put a huge ######ing Q on the box. They'll get high and stare at it. "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!"

I love NyQuil, man. 'Cause NyQuil has never changed, man. It's never changed. All the other medicines are doing that inner-child thing. "We know that there's a small child inside of you, so now we have grape and cherry and orange flavor." Not NyQuil! They still have the original green-death ######ing flavor! You know why? Because it doesn't matter what it tastes like! It's so strong you go, "(wheeze) Hey, this stuff really tastes like . . ." Bang! You're in the coma already! "What happened?" "He said 'tastes like' and he went right into the coma, it was unbelievable!" We have reached the point where the over-the-counter drugs are actually stronger than anything you can buy on the street. It says on the back of the NyQuil box, on the back of the box it says, "May cause drowsiness." It should say, "Don't make any ######ing plans, okay? Kiss your family and friends good-bye. Say hello to Claus!" NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you, you giant ######ing Q!

NyQuil is the secret for all you twelve-step recovery program people. Yes, all you AA people, NyQuil is the key! It's the thirteenth ######ing step! You can drink it! It's over the counter! Drink as much as you want. "Are you drunk?" "No. I have a cold. Same cold I've had for two years--I just can't seem to shake it. I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry ######ing Christmas!"

Drugs, man. Capital D, Drugs. I did my share. I did my share, (points to the audience) and your share, and his share. I did a lot. I grew up in the seventies. That's when drugs were drugs, man. We did 'em all, ######! We did every ######ing drug there was to be had. We did 'em all! We did stuff that people don't even do anymore. Like ludes. Remember ludes? "Ludes, man. ######ing ludes, man! Call up the ludes, dude, do it! ######ing ludes!"

I think ludes explain why we were wearing the giant flair bell-bottom pants and the platform shoes. What do you think? I think it's the only possible explanation! There we were, in the middle of a sexual revolution, wearing clothing that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. Yeah, okay, yeah.

People don't understand, man. Back in the early seventies, you couldn't buy anything except bell bottoms. There were no straight pants in the ######ing stores, okay? The only way you could be a cooler guy was to get bigger bell-bottoms. We used to sit around and get high and go, "Man, when I some money . . . I'm getting the biggest bell-bottoms in history, man! They're gonna start at my neck and go twenty feet straight out, man! I'm gonna be surrounded by ninety feet of bell-bottoms! Homeless people are going to be living under my pants, man! I'll have platform shoes. I'll be twenty feet tall."

We did 'em all. Man, we even invented a couple of drugs back in the seventies. Yeah. Get this--"wippets." (watches the audience's reaction)See? Some people laugh and the others need an explanation. Get this, okay? Some kid figured this out back in the seventies, and this kid should have been involved in the space program, okay? Some kid took the time and the imagination to go down to a supermarket and figure out if you take a whipped cream can container and you press the nozzle on top, just enough before the whipped cream comes out, some gas comes out, you snort the gas (snort), you get high for five seconds. We didn't have MTV--we had the ######ing supermarket! That's what we had! We were down there everyday snorting whipped cream and hamburger, we didn't care. "Put some on your gums! Argh!"

We had to. We had to get over that bell bottom hump. We did it all. Cocaine? We started that. (waits a beat) You're welcome. What a great drug that was. Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my ###### small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank. Is that possible, please? I'd like to make this face all night! (makes a stretched-out face) I'd like to sit in the bathroom and talk to a complete ###### stranger for seven hours on end. Is that possible, please? With no ###### and a nose bleed!? Where do I sign up? Take my ###### away! That was the worst part about the coke, man, was being in that bathroom with that stranger at the end of the night. Wasn't it, huh? Talking about ###### like solving the world's problems and the only reason you're in there is because he has the coke. That should have been a ######ing sign, don't you think? I mean, if Hitler had coke, there'd be Jews in the bathroom going, "I know you didn't do it. (snort) I like your mustache. (snort) ######ing Himmler. (snort)"

Cocaine. Yeah. Mmm. We used to do eightballs. Oh, those were fun, weren't they? Nothing like getting a bunch of coke. Right? That was usually, like, eightballs was usually like four guys on a Friday night. One guy at 8-o'clock goes, "Hey, man. Let's get an eightball--it'll last us all weekend!" Four hours later, the same four guys--(frantically) "Let's get another eightball! Let's get another one! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

Remember having the eightball and going to a party with your friends and only wanting to do it amongst the friends? And thinking that the other people at the party didn't know you were on coke? Remember that? Coming out of that bathroom? (hopped up)"How you doing?" (starts to bark) "No! Too much coffee!"

[Dark Ranger]

LMFAO!!!

Nice find XO