hephaestus Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Fifteen ways to avoid a good Southern ass whuppin' Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites: 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking. 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass. 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g.Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass. 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass. 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass. 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked. 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked. 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass. 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor. 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours. 14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass. 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruin Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 ROFLMFAO! 7 and 15 are the best IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteKnight77 Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 LMAOPIMPBAGFLSH!!! Those are great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYR_32 Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 LMAO most of them are funny cept 14... NYC is one of the countries safest cities... and its only a cesspool in the summer...... cause the heat makes the garbage stink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hephaestus Posted June 18, 2003 Author Share Posted June 18, 2003 Well, I think they're all hilarious. I've had that list for a while now and I still hurt from laughing every time I look at it. NYC maybe one of the safest cities, but I have no idea. I'd rather take a stroll down my country road than any street in NYC any night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tollen Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Hillarious pal, hillarious... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CtheHammer Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 To quote the great man of the south, Lewis Grizzard (who was once held prisoner of war up in Chicago for three years ): Yankees always make fun of the way we talk, but they really shouldn't. God talks like we do. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZJJ Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Redneck poem/joke.... Susie Lee done fell in love; She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy 'bout it all She told her Pappy so. Pappy told her, "Susie gal, You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know, But Joe is yo' half brother" So Susie put aside her Joe And planned to marry Will. But after telling Pappy this, He said, "There's trouble still... You can't marry Will, my gal., And please don't tell your Mother, But Will and Joe and several mo' I know is yo' half brother" But Mama knew and said, "My child, Just do what makes yo' happy. Marry Will or marry Joe You ain't no kin to Pappy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warhawk Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 Coming from a border southern state (depending on whether you go by the ole' Mason/Dixon Line or the number of states represented at the Confederate Congress will push my home state one way or the other on that border) I have to agree with every last one of them!!!! Try some Gates' & Son's BBQ sometime and tell me southerner's don't know how to do it right! Stout Hearts Warhawk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZJJ Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 Collection of Redneck jokes You might be a redneck if.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CtheHammer Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 You might be a redneck jedi if... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.