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Alerts to Threats in 2011 Europe: by John Cleese


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The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the

country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and

have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,

though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A

Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940

when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from

"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a

"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish


The Scots have raised their threat level from "###### Off" to "Let's get the

######." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have

been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat

Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to

"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat

they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy

can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to

"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I

think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is

canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final

escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

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