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ghost recon story


zeealice
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i found it intruiging actually, dont kill me i didnt know where to put the topic :P

she just wants to know if you guys 'n' girls would be at all interested in giving her unfinished work a read, she just has to upload it onto fanfiction. 73 A4 pages long. she to me said just give a brief insight so i will.

all im going to let on is this

1st person narrative. set in 2110. this is just the first bit of the story. the main character is a 22 year old woman named kristen.

Over 100 years, things have changed in the 5th Special Forces, 1st battalion, D company

The loss of the most famous ghosts in history, say for instance. Who? You may ask. Scott Mitchell Alicia Diaz and her* She was presumed dead on December 28th 2013 due to a fire fight she couldn't contain, but she was far from dead. The fire fight only made her stronger, the bomb shrapnel only made her ready for more.

Her adopted daughter, Alex, was a shadow-net spy working for third echelon; she was one of their best. Alex gave birth to Sophie, my mother, and, well, you know the rest.

Are you clicking on yet?

Of course I was just a bog standard police repossession officer. It's new to the world, like I said. Allot has changed in the world over 100 years. I go around America and overseas repossessing stolen museum artefacts and precious materials from mansions and places alike. I have the rights to kill anyone who gets in my way, even when I'm not on duty.

But somehow when they found me, I felt so ashamed…

* there was a picture contained that i reluctantly edited, (i wondered why the heck she wanted Ghost recon picture editing, but now i see.) to make it look burnt out and old, but due to open office not liking image wrapping much, it was cut out, but for now it leaves a bit to the imagination and she likes that :P

but like i said, just give us some feedback so she can see wheather it is worth uploading. or not. part of it is already on fanfiction but if you have read it there and someone else hasnt SHUSH!

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Are you sure this is based on GR? From what I read I'm getting that the main character is a decendant of GR characters and now functions as a "repo-(wo)man meets James Bond"? I suppose that I shouldn't judge a 73 page story on the basis of one paragraph but I cannot help feeling doubtful about the setting she has created. Tell her that she *should* upload it but take all feedback seriously, no matter how negative or positive and if things seem random, then ask people to explain why they said it.

That being said, I don't like Stephen King books either and they seem to be doing all right (seriously: the characters are usually very one dimensional, the common trait in all books that everyone besides the main character is a piece of crap, people making decissions that no human being would ever make in those circumstances whatever they may be, nearly every story taking place in Maine as if Maine is the birthplace of all things evil and the never ending list of plotholes each of his stories to name but a few things that are wrong with Stephen King-books).

Will you post a link here when she does upload the story? I will read it for one (can't make any promisses on when as I have 2,5 more books to read already lol, I'm having a Russian literature bender: The Gulag Archipelago (unabridged), One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, War and Peace and Anna Karenina which I bought as a set and I have to say... people... pick up at least The Gulag Archipelago and War and Peace, I'm now half way done in War and Piece and already I have to say that these two are the most impressive books I have ever read, just incredible. I am going to read Anna Karenina next, as that was voted as the Best Ever Written Novel by contemporary novelists in 2007, so I think that is saying something).

Is your daughter aspiring to be a novelist, by the way?

Edited by CkZWarlord
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take all feedback seriously, no matter how negative or positive

What? Some-one on the same wavelength as me for once?

Like I keep telling people, ALL feedback is good feedback, regardless of whether the comments are negative or not - it shows the target audience is listening/watching/etc. Chances are the target audience also spot errors/design faults that the item creators overlooked during the production process (due to the amount of parameters and protocols in place that would have had to have been taken into account at the time of the production process of the item)

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i've read the full story and Kristen, the main character sort of quits her job without a word. the police job just to make it seem like kristen was a normal 22 year old woman with a pretty much normal job before she was taken into Ft. Bragg, it isnt based around her police job the ghosts find her while on the job and take her while on the job but thats about it apart from my daughter is thinking of making kristen officially quit near the end.

my daughter takes all constructive critisism well and adjusts her story accordingly, she has played ghost recon 1 and 2 as well as AW1 and part of 2 so she's clued up on the way they work but she is having trouble putting that into her story, she feels the missions arent squad based enough she doesnt want to bore the reader though.

and the technology isnt complex enough, she has found a reasonable excuse for the cloaks. and there are walking tanks people control but thats about it and the Xcom show more detailed info on vehicles it has in the databases

yeah i'll post the link up when the site has finished being annoyingly stupid.

i'm not sure what she wants to do, she said she wants to be a console and operating system programmer. she's like a bionic kid when it comes to programming.

she said that the story is just a form of escapism and it takes her mind off things.

Edited by zeealice
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i shall upload it in a mo, she is just making some last minute cut outs of parts that sound silly and checking spelling and grammar.

it will take up to 8 hours to appear apparently, so i'll let you know tomorrow.

oh there it is:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6647739/1/

Edited by zeealice
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Ok, heres some points that your daughter might like to hear, I haven't read it all yet (and to give a better criticism I will have to re-read it) but heres some of my thoughts:

The Good:

I like the pace of the story, at least it is not like an actual Tom Clancy where everything takes forever (yep, don't like Tom Clancy's books either lol).

I like the introduction to the characters in the story.

The Bad:

Now I realise your daughter is a woman and women establish relationships with people by talking to them, but it wouldn't hurt the story if that was toned down a bit. There is just too much talking going on.

Also, the inner dialog, that can toned down as well, leave something for the reader to imagine.

A lot of situations are described in more details than I personally care for. Take for example the part where shes picking up armor, way too long. This is one of those cases where a simple "I geared up." would've been perfectly sufficient.

The Ugly:

How our main character is introduced to the Ghost unit, her reaction to her kidnapping, being thrown out on the battlefield without any additional training. No, that simply doesn't work, it is not how any would respond and it just doesn't convince me.

- War

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she thanks you for taking the time to read it and her response to the 'bad' bit is pretty much this:

i have toned it down slightly in the second draft, what you read. there was a meeting with Drasus, were allot of conversation was involved i decided to take it out as it sounded quite silly.

in the third draft, once i get around to it, i shall take your advice, and tone down the conversations, and the details will be taken out where i find it isnt neccessary.

the 'ugly'

i shall find a way to sync in the thrown on the battlefield part, maybe slow it down slightly, get her introduced to command and get her on the training ground then use the simulation as an exam, see if she is fit enough to join. more to the point if she actually wants to join.

maybe allow the inner ancestry to poke out a little better too.

oh she wants to know where you are up to as well incase she says something that may confuse you.

Edited by zeealice
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Spoiler alert! Well, small bit anyway.

I had read up to the point where we are introduced to Sarah, the trainee nurse. So not very far yet. I shall read more shortly but I haven't really had the time due to some personal circumstances. The reason I stopped there (and didn't mention as I thought my previous post was more than enough to take in) is because it was quite a silly part, here's why:

- Amy, as an experienced Ghost, why is she doubting who to follow? Rookie? Teamleader? Rookie? Teamleader? Doesn't seem like something she should be doubtful about. At all.

- "Who keeps bandages in their pocket? Oh wait trainee nurses do." Really? That was neccesary? If I might make a suggestion here, I would rewrite this as Kirsten noticing Sarah bandaging her, uttering a well-meant "Uhhhh" and Sarah reassuring her with a smile and a "I'm a nurse... Well, trainee actually". The trail of thought presented to the reader here is quite silly and I doubt anyone would think in this style when they've been shot, even if simulated.

- Then there's Sarah's demise. I like the way Kirsten responds here, where it is like she is losing her sister again as the girl is her namesake. But, why doesn't the terrorist kill Kirsten? Surely he had seen Kirsten if he saw Sarah. He also had ample time to kill her: first she has to realise what just happened to Sarah, then her reaction (which was completely valid). I think we are talking a good 5 to 10 seconds here. That would've been a valuable lesson for Kirsten in the simulation and quite strange that this didn't happen. It would've given her quite a bit of food for thought as she screwed up the mission due to her recklessness. This is of course omitting that surely a terrorist would've killed the chick with the piece and the rocketlauncher first or perhaps even as the terrorist surely noticed them two being pre-occupied him setting himself up for a double kill.

- ""Let's go" I ordered walking past her examining my dressed wound, she followed behind me." Something that struck me, isn't it a bit too coincidental that Sarah got killed right after she finished bandaging Kirsten? Perhaps it would be more likely that Sarah got shot during bandaging?

- ""Wow! Thanks for the save" she puffed.". Wow, indeed. Again, wouldn't it be (storywise) better if even though Kirsten did get saved, her reckless action then got Amy killed despite her best efforts? She did something that she couldn't possibly have afforded to do, in spite of Dave's suggestion (which is also ignoring a direct order from a superior officer for which she then didn't get reprimanded after the simulation?). Kirsten hasn't learned anything from this simulation so I am starting to wonder what the point was of the simulation?

This was a very weird section in the story to me.

EDIT:

Now here is something that just struck me: reading this section and the bit leading up to it again, I'm getting the distinct feeling that it is written as if the writer has written this petending she is the lead character. That is the only way I can make some sense of why things are or aren't happening that clearly should or shouldn't. Ok, I'm going to shut up now, leaving you with: if this is the case, don't be afraid to off yourself in a story. After all, it is just a story.

EDITED AGAIN: Just gotta say, not trying to be a dick here. Just telling you how I feel as the reader of the story and trying to relay it to you in a way that is useful.

Edited by CkZWarlord
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she appreciates your input allot here what she had to say:

Spoiler alert! Well, small bit anyway.

- Amy, as an experienced Ghost, why is she doubting who to follow? Rookie? Teamleader? Rookie? Teamleader? Doesn't seem like something she should be doubtful about. At all.

that was more, "try not to upset my new friend or try not to get on the wrong side of my leader." sort of thinking. Amy is new to such a situation hence why she reacted like that, i'm not going to mention much (spoilers in other words) but amy's background would also force her to feel so helpless in such a situation.

"Who keeps bandages in their pocket? Oh wait trainee nurses do." Really? That was neccesary? If I might make a suggestion here, I would rewrite this as Kirsten noticing Sarah bandaging her, uttering a well-meant "Uhhhh" and Sarah reassuring her with a smile and a "I'm a nurse... Well, trainee actually". The trail of thought presented to the reader here is quite silly and I doubt anyone would think in this style when they've been shot, even if simulated.

i like that idea allot, i shall ammend that bit in a moment. it seems allot more realistic.

Then there's Sarah's demise. I like the way Kirsten responds here, where it is like she is losing her sister again as the girl is her namesake. But, why doesn't the terrorist kill Kirsten? Surely he had seen Kirsten if he saw Sarah. He also had ample time to kill her: first she has to realise what just happened to Sarah, then her reaction (which was completely valid). I think we are talking a good 5 to 10 seconds here. That would've been a valuable lesson for Kirsten in the simulation and quite strange that this didn't happen. It would've given her quite a bit of food for thought as she screwed up the mission due to her recklessness. This is of course omitting that surely a terrorist would've killed the chick with the piece and the rocketlauncher first or perhaps even as the terrorist surely noticed them two being pre-occupied him setting himself up for a double kill

.

interesting thought. good to hear the reaction wasnt too overkill then :D what i will do here is have

"WHAT! NO WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" amy shoots him then have the "effing SOB" bit once he is dead as for the "why sarah bit you mentioned" the AI in the simulations isnt very smart. they are generally scripted to react to certain situations hence why chick with gear didnt die.

""Let's go" I ordered walking past her examining my dressed wound, she followed behind me." Something that struck me, isn't it a bit too coincidental that Sarah got killed right after she finished bandaging Kirsten? Perhaps it would be more likely that Sarah got shot during bandaging?

surrounded by rubble, as sarah got up seeing as she got up first, the terrorist levelled his sights on her first. he could only see her when she was standing up. not when she was crouched helping krissy out. good thought though.

""Wow! Thanks for the save" she puffed.". Wow, indeed. Again, wouldn't it be (storywise) better if even though Kirsten did get saved, her reckless action then got Amy killed despite her best efforts? She did something that she couldn't possibly have afforded to do, in spite of Dave's suggestion (which is also ignoring a direct order from a superior officer for which she then didn't get reprimanded after the simulation?). Kirsten hasn't learned anything from this simulation so I am starting to wonder what the point was of the simulation?

i have something to touch upon here, in draft 2 wich i will replace the original URL with, she has had some pretty painful training spanning over the space of a week prior to said simulation, keeping details down a little though, only describing one painful session, and each day she is tought more, toughened up and whatnot, once training is over, the simulation acts as an examination now, i am now planning to ammend certain areas to make her seem a little more professional and less reckless, perhaps get kristen to lead amy into a building in which case when the bomber comes overhead it doesnt realease it's payload and just flys overhead. very VERY interesting thought.

This was a very weird section in the story to me.

oh dont worry it gets worse, mind you she is a little less reckless in my eyes toward the beginning of the first few missions. i hope to keep that going.

thank you for your input and i shall take your criticism in mind and clear it up a bit, including those plaguing typos. but could you care to elborate what you mean by "off myself"? i'm not particulaly smart when i am tired. :P

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surrounded by rubble, as sarah got up seeing as she got up first, the terrorist levelled his sights on her first. he could only see her when she was standing up. not when she was crouched helping krissy out. good thought though.

Well, Kirsten runs to Sarah when the terrorist group is so then how did Kirsten see the dying man if they were surrounded by rubble or in fact how did she see Sarah, as a trainee nurse surely she would've been trying to help him and therefore have would've been kneeling down? Not that much of a biggy, as she could've simply ran in the direction of the screams (which gives another problem, namely that of running into a trap or running towards a dying civilian which would be a weird risk to take) but I have to mention it.

...but could you care to elborate what you mean by "off myself"? i'm not particulaly smart when i am tired. :P

Well, it occured to me that perhaps you had written this story in a way where you are Kirsten, which could explain these seemingly weird events. Kinda like Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (real name of Lewis Caroll) is the Cheshire Cat in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (AKA Alice In Wonderland). It explains why there why Alice is required to have an adventure even though the godlike abilities of the Chesire Cat could solve all the problem in Alice in Wonderland in a jiffy which does cause a couple of really big plotholes. Reading the section concerning Sarah, it occured to me that this could be the case here as the situations are, in my honest opinion, very improbable. It causes, in this case, some minor plotholes that only let themselves be explained really if the writer is Kirsten. But that only goes up to a point, because Kirsten now seems like she is invincible in the story. Wether that is due to some luck or godlike abilities (like shooting down falling bombs ;)) and in that respect, well off yourself (as you are Kirsten) might be a bit much, but Kirsten showing flaws and having to take responsibility for her shortcomings would be more interesting to read.

Now, I'll happily admit that this idea (of you being Kirsten) was sort of a thought experiment on my side, but it seems to work.

Edited by CkZWarlord
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she's taken over again:

okay partially, where the terrorist was there was rubble blocking his view hence why kristen could see her and the dying guy where she was but said terrorist couldn't :P

ooooh now i see what you mean , it's something that happens rather unconsiously, i cant really you know, stop my thoughts and feelings on the matter going onto the PC. i am planning to have her argue with dave, like really late on in the story, the whole war thing and whatnot has made her slightly bitter, thus she starts rowing with dave over certain things. i'm just trying to find an adequate punishment.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey sorry I haven't been on in a while, I will read the new post as soon as I get a break from work. Things are extremely hectic around here, all sorts of projects popping up all over the place and for some reason beyond me they are all my responsibility :S Right now, when I get home I just need to shoot some digital ###### ;-)

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  • 2 months later...
:o i forgot mum started this thread, well the simulation has had all the awkward parts changed to be a little less heroic and more "let's just get on with the job" so that should put your mind at ease slightly. and the whole thing is complete, just giving it touch ups were i rushed it. already writing the second which is a 3rd person narrative following a woman named Kaya and still maintaining Kristen's main character :P i'll post the finished product up when it is uuhhh finished :D
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  • 2 weeks later...

ookaaaay, dead thread but hey, what is there to lose if people dont pay attention XD

well, after some retouches and a very rushed ending (i'll slow it down when i find out what to write) it's done

as to your comments warlord Thanks for the helping hand. and this is what i have changed

- The simulation has changed quite a bit, "sarah" isn't sarah she is just a nameless woman both kristen and Amy (both slightly more tactically) rescue her. and as you will probably know i made the bomber thing more believable.

there has also been a training bit that allows her relationship with the team to build up properly and the ghosts are a little less welcoming to her than previously on the training grounds.

probably touch up the *SPOILERS* torture bit so Kristen is more traumatized from the incident.

other than that, i dont think anything has been massively changed. working on the second part (woohoo not :P)

other parts have changed just can't be bothered listing all of them.

Edited by Zeealex
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  • 2 weeks later...

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