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New hardware, hackers and redemption


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This thread is from a COD forum, it’s by Dirty Jerkins, he titled it “new hardware, hackers and redemptionâ€.

I found it entertaining, I thought I might share it

Stopped at Best Buy last night on my way home from work. Pure chaos; a literal sea of customers crashed together in turbulent waves, with each product display poking out like virtual islands of retail merchandise. Remember when the Holidays were magical, when the air was tainted by the sweet smell of hot chocolate, and your biggest responsibility was nodding and muttering "Thank you" while you tore open another present? O' childhood, where art thou? Cut to 26 years later and I'm gunning my RX-8 through a packed parking lot, furiously striving to find a place to park like it's the last semi-decent looking chick at the bar, I'm 9 Coronas deep, and the tender just yelled "Last call!"

So there I am picking up a few gifts and side-stepping squealing, running kids likes it's 4th and goal and my teams down by 3. Took me about a half hour to round up enough stuff and I was making my way towards a check-out line longer than a NO MORE MARTYDOM PLZ thread when I glance a wall full of gaming keyboards and other awesome stuff.

"Razer" it says on the packages which display pictures of mice, keyboards, and head sets that are all lit up with cool designs like FunkMaster Flex got a hold of them and pimped em' out. I've always read about hardware geared specifically for gaming; a few of my clan mates use them and they rave about how awesomely awesome they are. "Merry ###### Christmas to me..." I whisper and quickly grab a Razer Tarantula (keyboard), a Razer Lechasis (mouse), and a Razer Barracuda (head set.) It all adds up to about $170 bucks of plastic and neon-lit pwnage.

First thing I did was throw all my other gifts in a corner to be wrapped later, and ripped open my new INSTRUMENTS OF SUPREME WTFOMGOWNED'ING. Hooked everything up and I must say, it did look pretty cool: a light-blue radiance emitted from each device promising power and glory. Keep in my mind, my old mouse and keyboard were standard issue Dell stuff.

So, with Razer devices equipped, I boot up COD4 and hop into a server with a few of my clan members. Game loads, I choose my class, get dropped into the action, and...HOLY CHRIST I CAN'T CONTROL MY MOUSE THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMENT AND MY VIEW IS ALL OVER PLACE JESUS BATMAN CHUCK NORRIS ROFFLECOPTER. Ahem. A brief glance at the instruction manual, and whoa, I can adjust the DPI from two buttons on the mouse itself. A couple clicks and the responsiveness has slowed to a pace I can handle; the motions are precise and fluid. Ok, ok, this ain't bad, but the mouse itself feels awkward because it's got a hump like a ###### camel. I don't know whether to pwn noobs with it or throw a saddle on it, mount up, and scream "DEATH 2 TEH INFIDELZ!!11111" Oh well. "Just need to get used to it..." I tell myself.

The keyboard is pretty cool. I had typed some stuff and the keys felt good; letters were formed with quiet little "taps" and it had a whole slew of buttons that did God-Knows-What. I double clicked the keyboard icon on my desktop and it brought up a cool graphical display of the keyboard where I could reassign keys and create macros and stuff. Awesome. My only beef was that it had one of those "wrist rester" things built in and I've never used one before: this seriously made my hand feel out of place. You see, I'm one of those PC gamers who actually use their arrow keys for movement. I don't use the WASD keys. Well, with this new keyboard, it seemed as though I'd have to give up my arrow keys. Ok. No biggy. I can get used to this...

So I'm in a server and the very first thing I notice is...I'm doing horrible. Seriously. In the first five minutes I've died so many times I'm literally sucking the chrome off a bumper. I'm sucking a golf ball through a garden hose. I'm sucking so bad I should change my name to Call of Duty 3. It was horrible. There I am, getting the jump on people, unloading a whole clip with my AK, and missing every shot. They would turn around while I was reloading, and my character would sorta' smile nervously and give a little wave like "Hehe...sorry bout' that. We can still be friends right...?" before they'd blow my ###### head off. "Just have to get used to it..."

Death is coming by the truck load. I went from being a 4 to 1 death ratio pub-player to a 13-30 sorry piece of newbage. BUT IT SOUNDS ###### SWEET. The head phones are awesome. Each rattle of my machine gun is a symphony of mass destruction. RPGs explode to my right and the resulting BOOM of bass makes me pee a lil'. Not alot, just a lil'...down my right leg.

An hour later and I'm still sucking, but getting slightly better. I'm leading my side of the map with like, 40-35. Yes. A positive differential of 5. Ha. It's still totally awkward and I have to keep telling myself "I'll get used to it." By now my wrists feel all sore and limp like when I would fake being sick in 7th grade, have the house to myself, and find one of my mother's Victoria's Secret catalogues. A few clan members are making fun of me in Ventrilo. "Nice score Jerkins. Way to suck. Way to lose it." F' you guys. All I have to do is get used to it and I'll be pwning again in no time...

Enter the hacker.

I joined some TDM server, away from my clan members, and set about trying to hon my skills with this new equipment once more. I needed focus. I needed to train my fingers. I needed to ask random newbs if they watched Saturday morning cartoons, and when they asked why, I'd scream CUZ' YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET MY LITTLE PWNIED. Yes. Here we go Jerkins. Time to man up...

I'm still sucking, and there's this dude going 45-5 (my type of score on my old gear), totally WTFPWNING the server and lol'ing all the while. Some guy is screaming "HACKER!" and a few others have joined in with him, but there's no admin present and no one is voting to kick the guy. I'm all "######, he's not hacking. Just play." The guy's name was Clash, and for the next three maps he would completely dominate this server of newbies, and the new newbified Jerkins.

So I'm defending this guy the whole time because by now the kid that's screaming Hacker!! is more annoying then the guy who keeps kicking my ass. Then I catch him. He drops me with an AK shot from across the map and instead of just respawning I actually watch the kill cam; soon as he shot me, his gun JUMPS to the next target and locks on within the span of 1 second. Trigger is pulled. Other guy dies. Gotcha' Clash.

"He is hacking...lol." I reluctantly type, and the kid who's been screaming the whole time gets a giant boner. "I TOLD U, GOD. HACKER HACKER!" Alright, alright. I've been sucking for the last 2 hours, I'm getting my ass handed to me, and now this guy is hacking and this other kid won't shut up. It wasn't as if the guy was using the aimbot the whole time but he'd turn it on at certain points and clear out my team. Clash, you clever friend. The thing is: he's typing back and claiming he's not hacking and arrogantly lol'ing. He shoots me again and types: "Owned. =)"

Something in me snaps. If there's anything I hate more than someone claiming they own me, it's when people use a ###### smiley face. It's like, YEAH, I KILLED YOU. YOU SUCK. AND BY THE WAY, HERE'S A STUPID GRAPHICAL REPRESENTATION OF MY DUMB FACE ENJOYING THE FACT YOU'RE DEAD. SIGNED, SOME DOOSH BAG. I hate smiley faces. A smiley face killed my dog when I was younger. A smiley face got my sister pregnant and skipped town. Anger. Rage. To quote Doc Banner: "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"I WOULD OWN THIS KID, HIS HACKS AND ALL...if I had my usual mouse and keyboard." God. It sounded pathetic even while I typed it. Clash reponds with lol. =D

That's it. I leave the server, unplug the sleek ebony Razer gear with their extra buttons and cool lights, and plug in my worn Dell mouse, and a keyboard that has a dried Cocoa Pebble forever stuck above the number pad.

Wuz' your dad a gangsta'...?

I reconnect to the server.

Cuz' you just got Rocky-CAPWNED!!!!!!!!11111

I come out blazing. Kids are dropping left and right. No longer do I feel awkward. My fingers deftly switch from key to key in motions meant for killing; my hand guides the familiar touch of my mouse, gliding over enemies until my index finger clicks down and leaves a trail of bloody death in its wake. I'm like every Superman plot; the type where he gets his ###### handed to him until the final moment when the Kryptonite falls off and he opens a can of kick-ass on Lex Luthor. Clash ain't making faces anymore.

The map ends and my side has won. I'm 48-8. Clash is on the other team with a measley 34-3. I go off in the server chat.




THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!!!!12111112

My ego is in full bloom. The kid that had been whining before is now cheering my name. I go home and bang the prom queen. Life is good once more. This goes on for another 4 or 5 maps and Clash eventually leaves. Man has conquered machine. Jerkins: 4. Aimbot: 0. Guys, I wish had taken screen shots, I truly do, but at the time I had no idea I'd be writing about this later. Shame on me. I would've loved for you to see them.

I've since packed up all the Razer stuff except for the headset. I'm returning it after work. I'll be buying a better mouse (The swiftness of the Razer mouse was awesome. I'm going to get something with the same DPI, but that feels like my old mouse.)

In the end, the air was rank with sweat, determination, and sulfur. I had entered the battle ill-prepared, and that's when fate chose to put this challenge before me. I had been beaten down, seemingly conquered by a foe whose ability came not from talent, but from some 3rd party program, with no hope in sight to vanquish this villainous hacker. I rose from the ashes, armed with my weapons of old, and struck a blow for truth, justice, and the JerKin's way.

"As I walk through the valley in the shadow of AimBots, I shall fear no evil, for I am the baddest mother ######er in that valley.."

Until next time kids, keep pwning, be safe, and have a Happy Holiday.

--- JerKins!

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Okay so now I truly know that there is a God. I LMMFAO at this piece of artwork. Excellent post MJ.

All newbs and cheats will be PWNED!!!

LOL @ This:

"As I walk through the valley in the shadow of AimBots, I shall fear no evil, for I am the baddest mother ######er in that valley.."
Edited by +Medic+~SPARTA~
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Hmm aimbot not caught by punkbuster... doesn't surprize me.

I use a razer mouse though and it owns. Not the keyboard though... I am using a logitech g11 because like you i use the arrow keys (Check it out the spacing is oh so sweet)

I also use the barracuda headset. it's ok but didn't impress me that much. Also the paint is slowly coming off of it.

And finally the last piece of control i have is an exactmat. If you use an optical i HIGHLY recommend it.

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Ok, ok, this ain't bad, but the mouse itself feels awkward because it's got a hump like a ###### camel. I don't know whether to pwn noobs with it or throw a saddle on it, mount up, and scream "DEATH 2 TEH INFIDELZ!!11111"


Awesome post, thanks for putting it up.

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  • 7 months later...
  • 2 months later...

That post does own...

And btw i'm right handed... slide the whole keyboard to the left on my corner deskt... del and pg down are my left and right lean. 0 and . on the number pad are crouch and prone. the 7 buttons on my razer do come in handy. I started MP gaming in DFLW like this and remap my keys for every game as i can't get away from the feel.

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