Jump to content

Viva la France


Recommended Posts

I do apologize if anyone is from France, but look at it this way.....

How many Irish jokes have you heard over the years ?

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these

drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by


----Mark Twain

"Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France."

----Author unknown

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French

one behind me."

--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your


--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army

is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

--- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any

better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can

sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this

is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of

whiskey I don't know."

--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of

the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't

have the face for it."

---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because

he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is

French, people."

--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us

get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the

Germans out of France!"

---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching

into Paris under a German flag."

--David Letterman

yes i am france bashing....so what ?!

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Man its been awhile since I heard some good ol' zingers.

I dont know why anyone should take offense, its all in good fun.

''We'' ( I mean as individuals, groups,countries) have all been the butt of jokes, some people get it, some people dont. <_<

Oh well.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of

the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't

have the face for it."

---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

That's why I like John McCain: he's republican, he's got brains ... and he knows how to spell :devil:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

French Military Prowess Revisited

President Bush and Secretary Rumsfeld may be upset that the French are not "assisting" us in this fight, but out here at the tip of the spear, there is nothing but jubilation at their absence. Last thing we need is to be carrying the French on our shoulders. A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria. The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are not helping us!


Why did the new french navy buy glass bottom boats? To see the old french navy True story: When my great-grandfather returned from WWI and was asked about Europe, he said we were killing the wrong europeans.


FOR SALE: antique french rifle, never fired and dropped only once.


French people smell funny


The new French flag: a white flag with a vericle yellow stripe up the middle.


Today the French President banned the use of fireworks at Euro-Disney after last night's display caused all soldiers at a nearby army base to surrender.

Edited by =UE=Swordfish
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know..........................................................

I usually give anybody the benefit of the doubt. I mean at least I respect the french resistance during world II the maquis. The evil nazis (not evil germans...evil nazis) destroyed their country and the french had a rigteous cause to save their people. While it is true it was from incompetence that led them to have to fight as guerrilas in the first place.... They certainly fought as guerrilas pretty hard.

I never really took a long hard look at their country's history though. I guess being american I always tried to see the best traits in everybody. But....of late.....I am beginning to seriously wonder about France.

America....with all of its faults....and yes its declining moral values at least tried. We at least gave it a try when it came to having a country with Godly values concerning freedom and justice. We at least tried to be an example to others. We are criticized for being the world's policeman yes....but thats because nobody else (at least not many) seems to have any sense of right or wrong on a national or international level.

We better take a long look at that "european union" they got going over there! They are not going to stop at a unified currency either. After what happens in Iraq good or bad they are going to want a unified military to compete with other powers. And I am nervous at who would want to lead this "union".

The U.S. military minds better start adding more countries to their war simulation studies than simply China,North Korea and Iraq.

I would start researching the performance statistics of F22 fighters vs Typhoons if I was them.

I forgot this was supposed to be a humerous post.

So......HA....HA........there you go. :angry:

Edited by Stalker_Zero
Link to comment
Share on other sites

hmmmm. I wonder if that truly would be standard operating procedure for french pilots when they run in into enemy planes.

(imagine an accent like inspector cleuseau) "ahhh le base command......le base command we have tangos on our le scopes....preparing to eject......le oveir."

"ahhhhhh.....le acknowledged Fox1.....le oveir." ;)

What would happen if an Iraqi mig met up with a french mirage? Would the pilots both eject at the same time? :P

Edited by Stalker_Zero
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since France has made a habbit out of selling the Mirage to Iraq, The Iraqi pilot would probably respond by saying "How's the family?"


I can imagine it now, both the Iraqi pilot and french one flying side by side pressing photo albums up against the glass of the cockpit windows.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess that would kind of expensive Gunny Hartman. Maybe that would make sense to the french anyway. heh heh

I don't know. The Germans at the end of the war had a combination plane where they put a Bf109 or Fw190 on the top of an obselete Ju88. The Ju88 was pointed at the target, released and blew it up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wonder truly zantar if there are french spies in iraq right now and what would they be doing.

hmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder! 

What you never heard of a sleep over?

Is the french spy and the iraqi spy going to sit up all night and talk about boys and the US?

Watchout! Saddam puts bricks in the pillows when they have pillow fights!


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...