LOL!

[Snake 0]

i was checking my gamespy mail and i got a story off planet fargo that they made up as they were playing

The police chief was a hard man, grizzled by years on the force, his face seemingly carved of stone but for the doughnut crumbs that dotted his handlebar mustache. "Kosak get yer ass in here!" he bellowed in his 'prepare for a reaming' voice.

I sat in the squeaky chair across from his desk and waited for the bad news. "Your SWAT team is a disgrace," he barked. "Two officers down in the last mission alone."

It's true: I've been playing the final build of SWAT 4, the tactical police game that should be on shelves before the end of the month. Turns out that being a cop is hard. This isn't Rainbow Six: you can't just shoot everyone indiscriminately. You're supposed to actually arrest people. That requires a certain finesse that I'm not known for. I tried to explain as much to the Chief, but his mind was already made up.

"You're going to start playing cooperatively," he roared. "And I know just the man to give your team a good kick in the ass. Meet your new partner: GARVEY."

Even before Garvey walked into the door I was already up onto my feet. "Garvey! No, not GARVEY! He just got the game, he's a n00b and a half. He's a menace 2 society. Last night he flashbanged himself just to see what it looked like!"

Look out criminals! ... and everyone else!

By this time Garvey had strolled in to join us, his handcuffs clinking. "What up?" he asked, nodding his head at the chief and then at me.

"Garvey!" beamed the Chief, standing and leaning over his desk to shake Garvey's hand. "Welcome to the SWAT te- WAaauauuahAGGH!!"

Without warning Garvey hit him in the chest with the Taser. The Chief flew backwards in a flash of light, his chair whirling out of the way as he collapsed behind his desk, twitching.

"Did you SEE that?" Garvey howled. "That was awesome. He flew back over his desk and everything." He holstered his taser and jerked his head to the door. "C'mon, let's go waste some perps."

On his way out of the station he chucked a tear gas grenade into the locker room.

Saturday, 1:47 AM, Uptown

Multiple hostages were held in a convenience store. It was a stickup for drug money gone bad. It was about to get worse.

"Get down!!" Garvey hollered. "Hands up! Police! Get Down! Police!"

"You're shouting at a mailbox," I pointed out.

Garvey shotgunned it three times, knocking the innocent blue box off of its posts, then paused to reload. The rest of the team stared at him, slackjawed.

"It was resisting," he explained. Then he tasered fellow officer Bruski for good measure.

My team (once we were all upright) crept through the alley and surrounded the rear door next to the loading dock. "Okay, on three I open the door and Garvey throws the flashbang. Ready? One..."

Garvey threw the flashbang, which bounced off the door and landed at our feet.

"######?" I asked, just at the grenade went off. A searing white flash burned red into my retinas, the immense bang stunning my eardrums and filling my ear with a piercing ring. My vision cleared to find Garvey reeling around in shock and grinning.

"That was awesome," he said, rubbing his eyes. "I can never get enough of that." Then he kicked in the door and started shotgunning randomly.

"Garvey! Garvey!" I cried over the blasts, following him in. "We're supposed to be arresting people."

"I'll question the suspect upstairs," he volunteered, splitting away from the group to chase someone down. Then we heard the questioning: "You like that?" BLAM! "How you like that!?" BLAM BLAM!

After we had secured the crime scene, it took the CSI crew several hours to count the bodies. Mostly because Garvey gassed them.

"Okay, let's try giving you some non-lethal weapons," I suggested as we put on our gear for another job. "Even you couldn't manage to kill someone with a paintball gun."

"Not true," Garvey replied, taking the air rifle. "Just ask my late Uncle. Wait.... you can't."

Our next mission began with the following harrowing call to 911:

911 Transcript: "HELLO 911!? I'M IN AN OFFICE BUILDING AT 69 WABASH! THERE ARE GUYS IN SKI MASKS HERE LOOKING FOR THE SAFE! THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE! CAN YOU HEAR ME? THEY'RE TAKING HOSTAGES! THEY HAVEN'T FOUND ME YET BECAUSE I'M HIDING UNDER A DESK AND BEING VERY VERY QUIET!! WAIT, TWO OF THEM ARE COMING INTO THE ROOM! THEY'RE LOOKING AROUND BUT THEY DON'T SEE ME! NOW ONE OF THEM IS COMING IN. HE'S LOOKING AROUND FOR ME. HE'S LOOKING. HE'S GETTING WARMER! WARMER! WAIT, NOW HE'S COLDER. OH, HE'S WARMER -- WARMER -- HE FOUND ME! I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT HE FOUND ME!!" *static*

After the local precinct had set up a perimeter, we moved in. I crafted a loose plan while we crouched in the back of the SWAT van.

Not even Officer Garvey could hurt anyone with a paintgun.

"Bruski, you'll take point. Simmons, I need you to scope under every door. We've got multiple, well-armed hostiles. Garvey, you'll be using the pepper ball gun to disable any -- hey, wait a sec. Bruski, why are you wearing a gas mask? That's not standard equipment."

"I wear it 'cuz I'm on Garvey's team," he explained in a muffled voice.

Moments later we burst from the truck and stormed the building. A weatherbeaten old set of numbers above the door said "69." Simmons held the mirror under the door and reported a tiny entryway on the other side with no perps. We opened the door and crept into the enclosed space. "What's the plan?" Simmons asked.

"Gas 'em!" Garvey cried, throwing the grenade at our feet. I stumbled out of the building on my knees, choking.

"You see!?" said Bruski. "That's why I always wear the gas ma-AAUUUGGH!" He dropped when Garvey tasered him in the neck.

"Look," I said in-between choking gasps. "Can we just get through one mission without team-killing or randomly killing civvies?"

"You take all the fun out of policework," Garvey grunted.

Kicking down the next door revealed and old man who was shocked to see us. "What are you -- what is this?" he gasped, just before Garvey yelled and then hit him in the face with a pellet. And another. And another.

A few minutes later the man was subdued. "Man, he took two taser blasts to the neck before he keeled over," Garvey said. "Amazing!"

"I imagine his adrenaline was jacked after you hit him in the face with 50 peppergas pellets in rapid succession," I observed.

"Look, I told him to comply," Garvey said.

"Asking a suspect to 'eat it' is not really a request." I pulled out my radio. "We've got a civilian restrained and ready for pickup," I told command.

They seemed confused. "SWAT 1, our snipers say you haven't entered the suspect building."

It was Garvey who stepped outside, looked at the old sign, and spun the numbers to reveal that we had just stormed 66 Wabash instead of 69 Wabash. "Not my fault this time!" Garvey cried out.

But I hit him with the taser anyways.

This was when they were playing SWAT 4

Edited February 13, 2005 by Snake

[Sup 0]

Yeah... I thought about posting that. Planet Fargo always pwnz.

EDIT- Heres the original article. http://pc.gamespy.com/pc/swat-4/587022p1.html