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10 Rules for Dating My Daughter


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My old RSM sent me these (which I'm sure are slightly modified)...

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,

because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long

as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes

or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear

their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are

complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,

so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear

showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in

order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the

course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and

fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a

"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes

to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we

should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do

not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of

when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only

word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date

other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.

Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to

date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I

will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and

more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time

for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her

makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.

Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like

changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places

where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places

where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where

there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or

happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my

daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than

overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies

which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes

are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,

merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with

whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing

but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound

of your car in the driveway for an oncoming suicide bomber. When my PTSD starts acting up with flashbacks from Bosnia and Somalia, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. :o=


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very nice.

Before they leave on thier date I like to come close to the guy so only we can hear each other.  I tell him see that girl over there that is my ownly daughter you are taking away from me.  I'd like you to know if you have any thoughts of hugging or kissing my daughter...  I have no problem going back to prision.
Edited by CME4WHOIAM
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When I was in law enforcement, I always arranged to be home, in uniform, with the cruiser parked in the driveway when my daughters were going to be going out. This was particularly effective on a first date. :devil:

LOL, good one.

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