MarauderMike Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 My old RSM sent me these (which I'm sure are slightly modified)... Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an oncoming suicide bomber. When my PTSD starts acting up with flashbacks from Bosnia and Somalia, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deadly_sniper22 Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 good ones!!!!! :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dagger Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Good ones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sup Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness... Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StereoG Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Awsome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tyovan4 Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 <note to self: NEVER date the daughter of a soldier> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarauderMike Posted July 6, 2004 Author Share Posted July 6, 2004 <note to self: NEVER date the daughter of a soldier> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SAWmonger Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 When I was in law enforcement, I always arranged to be home, in uniform, with the cruiser parked in the driveway when my daughters were going to be going out. This was particularly effective on a first date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CME4WHOIAM Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 (edited) very nice. Before they leave on thier date I like to come close to the guy so only we can hear each other. I tell him see that girl over there that is my ownly daughter you are taking away from me. I'd like you to know if you have any thoughts of hugging or kissing my daughter... I have no problem going back to prision. Edited July 6, 2004 by CME4WHOIAM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeXaN Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Heh CME4WHOIAM good ole Bill Envall Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STU_Snake Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Now tell me? who in the world would go on a date to an old folks home? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CME4WHOIAM Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Heh CME4WHOIAM good ole Bill Envall yup blue collar comedy tour just watched it yesterday on my dvd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Slink Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Another oldie but goodie.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rocky Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 When I was in law enforcement, I always arranged to be home, in uniform, with the cruiser parked in the driveway when my daughters were going to be going out. This was particularly effective on a first date. LOL, good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
osokdfgr Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Now tell me? who in the world would go on a date to an old folks home? people who care about our history do not mock "old folks". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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