Soldier Humour/Jokes

[dagger]

Good stuff

[MarauderMike]

Got this by email today...some are brutally true.

"None of us is as dumb as all of us."

Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..."

MAJ (JS)

"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."

"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges."

Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'"

Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..."

Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it."

LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in "fat chance....""

GS-15 (SHAPE)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule."

CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot."

LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..."

GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute."

MAJ (EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them...and then exploit the hell out of 'em."

CDR (CENTCOM)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."

Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..."

LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him."

Maj (EUCOM)

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of ###### off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt."

LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..."

MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?"

CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc.

COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(S) develops and implements their strategies

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..."

Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?"

LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words."

LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!"

CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..."

Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"Never pet a burning dog."

LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..."

LCDR (NAVEUR)

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'"

Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..."

MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career."

MAJ (JS)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it."

LTC (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness."

LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted."

DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks."

Lt Col (USSOCOM), excerpts

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer."

MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain."

CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."

LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."

LTC (CENTCOM)

"They also serve, who sit and surf the NIPR."

CPT (CENTCOM)

"I hear so much about Ft.. Bragg. Where is it?"

"It's in the western part of southeastern North Carolina."

LCDR and CPT (EUCOM)

"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like I give a ######, and then instantly forgetting what the hell a person was saying the moment they walk away."

Flag-level Executive Assistant

"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday."

LTC (EUCOM)

"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..."

GS-14 (OSD)

"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it."

GS-12 (DOS)

"If I'd had more time, I'da written a shorter brief..."

Maj (EUCOM)

"I work at EUCOM. I know ###### when I see it."

LTC (EUCOM) in a game of office poker

"You only know as much as you don't know."

GO (EUCOM)

"I'm just livin' the dream..."

EUCOM staffer response to the question, "How's it going?" or, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just ranting...I have nothing useful to say."

LTC (EUCOM)

"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?"

GS-14 (EUCOM)

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a very good reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit."

LTC (CENTCOM)

"It was seen, ...visually."

LTC (EUCOM) during a Reconnaissance briefing

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..." "This should be a short conversation."

LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)

"Hello gentlemen. Are we in today or are you just ignoring my request?"

GS-15 (DSCA) in an email to EUCOM staffers

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch."

Maj (EUCOM)

"Your Key Issues are so 2003..."

CPT (CJTF-180) in January 2004

"That's FUBIJAR."

COL (CENTCOM), ######ed Up, But I'm Just a Reservist...

"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!"

GO/FO (CENTCOM)

"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?"

LTC (EUCOM) preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form

"I'd be happy to classify this document for you. Could you tell me its classification?"

GS11 (EUCOM) in an email from the Foreign Disclosure office

"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..."

LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated

"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..."

LTC (EUCOM)

"I have to know what I don't know..."

Col (CENTCOM) during a shift changeover briefing

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..."

Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM

"I'm planning on taking the weekend off...notionally..."

LT (EUCOM) midway through a huge, simulated command exercise

"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today."

Maj (EUCOM) after listening to a JFCOM trainer/mentor

"We've got to start collaborating between the collaboration systems." "Our plan for the Olympics is to take all the ops and put it in the special room we have developed for ops."

GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Did you hear that NPR is canning Bob Edwards?"

"Why? Did they catch him standing up for the National Anthem or something??"

COL to CDR (EUCOM)

"Not to be uncooperative, but we're just being uncooperative."

CDR (EUCOM) in an email response to a request for information

"He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology."

Lt Col JFCOM describing the Jiffiecom alpha male

"Transformation has long been the buzzword for those that are dispossessed, dispirited and disillusioned..."

Chaplain (EUCOM), allegedly.

"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers."

GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?"

MAJ (EUCOM)

[goosegreen]

on some airbases the airforce is on one side of the field and the civilian aircraft is on the other

one day the tower received a call from an aircraft requesting what time it was,the tower replied whos calling?

the aircraft said what differance does it make?

the tower replied it makes a hell of a differance

If its a civilian then its 3 o'clock.

If its Airforce then its 1500 hours.

If its Navy then its 6 bells.

If its Army then the big hands on the 12 and the little ones on the 3.

If its Marine Corps then its thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to happy hour

[Streinger]

Two loudest sounds in a world: a bang when it's supposed to go click and a click when it's supposed to go bang....

[vipcobr]

hey marauder officers arent all that bad until they start accusing you of things youve never done in your life

[Snake]

Here is one from me

S=Slovisoues

T=Control Tower

C=co-pliot

"Slovisoues (English name, John) is ready to fly his Mig's into enemy area."

S: Landing gear..........................check

S: Bombs...........................check

S: Flaps...................................check

S: Everything ready control tower.

T: Mig 1342, you may take off runway 249

"Two hours later, he hears his co-pliot say:"

C: Two F-14's coming out way.

S: Roger

C: F-14's at two o-clock

S: Well, it's only one thirty. What do we do until 2?

C: Beats me.

S: Let us put this baby on auto.

So now you know why the allies don't have any decent airforces left...

I rembered this from a Command and Conquer site i used to post at

[element11]

←

HAAAAH!!! I laughed ss hard at this one!

All of this is great!

I got one

There was a army corporal who reported to a new regiment with a letter from his old captain saying: tihs man is a great soldiet and he'll be even better if you can cure him of his constant gambelling." The new CO looked at him sternly and said "i hear you gambl alot. i dont approve its bad for discipline. What kinds of things do you bet on?" "pretty much anyting sir. If you'd like, ill bet you 200 bucks you hav a strawberry birthmark on you upper right arm" he said. The CO snapped, "put down your money!" He then took off his shirt, proved he had no birthmark and pocketed the bills. He phoned the captain and said " that corperal of yours wont b in a hurry to make a bet after what i just did to him!" " dont be too sure said the captain, he just bet me 2 grand thet he could get your shirt off 5 minutes after he reported!"

Edited August 18, 2005 by element11

[FA sear]

One name pops into my mind while I'm reading this stuff. BEETLE BAILEY.

[Cpl Ledanek]

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!

[Serellan]

What are the two most dangerous things in the Marine Corps?

A Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass, and a PFC with a badge and a gun.

[USMC Maggot]

LMAO

[Cpl Ledanek]

Aawww, do we miss our old job?

[Gordo_Viper]

The K-9 Unit Pics are self explanatory

[Gordo_Viper]

[3rdMillhouse]

BRITISH SAS

Three guys, one Navy, one Army and one Royal Marine are taking the test to join the SAS. They have all passed the mental and physical sections and are down to the final interview.

Guy from the Navy walks in to be confronted by the SAS Head Shed who gives him a gun and says, "There are 6 bullets in that, your wife is upstairs, go up and kill her".

The guy disappears but comes back 2 minutes later to say,

"Sorry I really want to be in the SAS but she's my wife and I love her"

"Sorry" says Head Shed,"But if you can't take orders, we don't want you"

Guy from Army walks in and the same thing happens, he gets the gun and is told to go upstairs and kill his wife, but also can't do it, so is told to thin out.

The Marine walks in and is given the gun. Off he goes and suddenly 6 shots ring out from upstairs, followed by an almighty commotion, and 10 minutes later he walks back into the room drenched in sweat.

He looks at the Head Shed and chucks the gun at him saying, "You ######, they were blanks, I had to strangle the ######!!!"

←

AHAHhAHAHAHEUAEHUAHEAHhAHaH Holysh...t

[dickie]

How the military deals with a snake:

1. Infantry:Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves the area, travelling upwind.

2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on snake. Kills snake. Sleeps with snake. Still loves snake in morning.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, looks for more snakes, looses a track and sulks till REME arrive.

4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective – “to hold London against Roundheads at all costs”

5. Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake. Gets smashed with snake. Gets naked with snake. Eats snake.

6. Royal Engineers: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for defeating snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by Pioneers and drowns.

7. Royal Artillery: Fires three-hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray (short) round, tree falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared a success and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”

9. Medical Services: Snake killed by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake. Declares death by natural causes.

10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes Power-point presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval Forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations

11. Territorial Army: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Kicks dust over snake. Keeps quiet about it.

12. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snakes. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, 15 Tornados, AWACs and RAF Regiment. Loads anti-ship missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can’t find snake. Drops missiles into sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry cleaning collection, facials, manicures …etc.

13. RMP: Hassles Snake. Goads Snake. Waits for snake to strike back. Beats snake to unconsciousness with 12 of his mates, then charges snake for unrelated driving offence.

14. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What Snake??? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

15. RLC: Procurement agency orders 2-year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute 20” output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in Catering Corps messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts don’t believe options feasible. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsly Harriot and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat delivered to messes by RCT and offloaded by Pioneers. Snake meat launched into Service Messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army blames youth of today and recruitment issues, demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Multi-national Euro Army at massive loss.

16. Air Despatch: Hercules low level ingress at 200 feet with dispatchers chucking chaff out para-door in Army “Horror Bags” Pallet chutes fail. Pallet squashes snake.

17. Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified by Heckler and Koch to meet performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and an “off the shelf” snake is bought from the USA for $10billion

18. Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not Black, Female, Homosexual, or Disabled, Loses interest.

19. Royal Pioneers: Beats snake with shovel, scratches ###### and wonders what the fuss was about????

20. REME: Drops big spanner onto passing snake. Snake falls into drip tray, chokes to death on spillsorb.

21. Army Air Corps: Fires 600 rounds from door gunner after assembling GPMG from parts in the back of the Lynx, lands, reloads, and returns to scene. Crashes Lynx on landing. Scores two hits on passing truck. (You’ll need a long memory for that one)

22. EOD(RE): Calls press office, tasks at least 50 vehicles and evacuates a small third world country. Makes nothing resembling an assessment but instead gets out “Big Book of Snakes”. Considers use of massive amounts of explosives. Decides risk from snake low and explosives would put civilians at risk. Walks down to snake… team all receive Queens Gallantry Medal….. Posthumously.

23. WRAC: Identifies with snake being minority group, invites it on a girlie night out, shows it how to get he best out of it's make up and cleavage in low cut top, tells it the only way to succeed in this world is to shag highest rank possible. Snake dies of sexually transmitted disease & boredom

24. Regimental Sergeant Major: Inspects Snake, charges snake for being legless on parade.

25. Officers: Prods snake with stick, watches with bemused interest as snake bites bat man.

[Cpl Ledanek]

Toilet Prank

Never gets old.

[dagger]

ehehehehe good stuff guys

[Sairus]

Nice bird.

[CommandoCrazy]

I like this one better

CC

[Cpl Ledanek]

needs a bump anyways....