I'M WORKING OUT & LOOKIN GOOD

[Specter 0]

For my upcoming sixty-seventh birthday, my wife, Carol,

(the dear) purchased a week of personal training at

the local health club for me. Although I am still in

great shape since playing on my college football team

45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go

ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a

personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself

as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for

athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed

pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my

progress.............

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed,

but and it was well worth it when I arrived at the

health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is

something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing

eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Woo !

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.

She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.

She wasalarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I

attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra

aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way

in which she conducted her aerobics class after my

workout today.

Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my

sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from

holding it in the whole time she was around. This is

going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it

out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push

a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights

on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,

but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I

feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and

forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both

pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to

steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club

parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting

that my screams bothered other club members. Her

voice is a little too perky for early in the morning

and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that

is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda

put me on the stair monster. Why in the world would

anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity

rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it

would help me get inshape and enjoy life. She said

some other crap too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth

exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a

full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour

late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda

took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not

looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent

Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the

rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that Belinda more that any human being has

ever hated any other human being in the history of the

world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If

there was a part of my body I could move without

unbearable pain, I wouldbeat her with it. Belinda

wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am

sure she learned in the sadist school she attended and

graduated magna ###### laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health

and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up

today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the

machine with my planner. However, I lacked the

strength to even use the TV remote and ended up

catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services

today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is

over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the

hussy) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a

root canal or a vasectomy.

[Ryan243 0]

Good one!

[The_Slink 0]

How could you not have had fun?...

[dagger 0]

LOL

[firefly2442 0]

Nice one. I was pretty sore last week when tennis practice started.... ugh.