Tools are a favorite holiday present.
Alas, some of us are not familiar with the REAL uses of these tools. . .
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
WIRE STRIPPERS: Device used to strip the insulating coating off a wire,
while also snipping the conductor off because the user never picks the
right size cutout.
WIRE CUTTERS: Device used to gingerly cut the insulating coating when
the user can't find his strippers, or desires to keep the conductor intact.
MULTIMETER: A device designed to make the user appear as if he knows
what he is doing, just prior to him shocking the bejesus out of himself
and/or shorting a $25,000 component.
SOLDERING IRON: Device for melting solder and slinging it all around,
but rarely -on-, the desired connection.
BELT SANDER: Useful for throwing unsecured wood across your shop, or
into your nuts.
COMBO BELT AND DISC SANDER, FLOOR-MOUNTED. : Can reduce beautiful Curve,
on the bottom of the twinned-for-sanding Rockers for a Hobby-Horse, to a
linked-set of flat-spots, with annoying-speed! Also useful for
making-sure that the nice, straight and flat, matching-edges of a
laminating Project have lots of pretty glue-only spots.
STATIONARY PLANER: An excellent machine for teaching safety around
machines, and the use of the 'Push-Stick'.
WRATCHET: Device designed to remove the unwanted skin from your knuckles.
LASER LEVEL: A device designed to drive cats crazy by making them chase
the little red dot across the floor.
ORANGE SAFETY VEST: A device worn by humans which works on cars and
airplanes in much the same way chum works on sharks
WOOD SAW: Cunning device for turning the right-angle edges of wooden
boards into splintered messes anywhere there isn't a protective pencil mark.
SASH CLAMPS: Devices commonly used for testing the effectiveness of
steel-toecaps or the skill of the local Casualty department's foot
repair unit.
WOOD CHISEL: Used for opening tins of paint while simultaneously
inflicting slices on people's hands.
TABLE ROUTER: A device designed to throw a piece of wood across the garage to put a dent in the dryer door, punch a hole in the wall, or both.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.
