Somethings are meant to be in life
Entry posted by Guest
857 views
Ever since my resignation from work, I am just full of free time that I initially didn't make use properly.Ever since then: I painted 3 rooms in our home. Not just the wall but the ceilings too. With my wife as a designer, we were able to transform a boring white room to a vibrant room that can be photagraphed and splashed on any IKEA or Crate and Barrel Catalog.I was able to finally place the knobs and handles on our drawers in the kitchen and bathrooms. I was able to hang the mirrors and framed paintings and lithograms that have been gathering cobwebs in the basement. I learned to hem a curtain. I finally was able to plant some flowers and trim the edges of our lawn. Even finally met some new neighbors too. I was finally able to fire up the grill and invite some close friends for some chicken and pork BBQ. We even finally opened some of the wines that have been stored in the basement for about 4-5 yrs. Given that I'm not a wine drinker.Being unemployed, it also halted our dreams of getting some luxury items, that we really didn't need to have. It placed a reality check on what we, as a couple really need to do. And that is to start a family, have a baby. For about 2-3 yrs now we have tried to have a baby and the stork hasn't exactly migrated our way. At first there was a sign, a white wild bird that strolled at middle of our street. At first I thought it was a stork, until I leaned in and saw that it was one these birds. Oh well.Going to the fertility clinic gave us a wake up call on exactly how much money and time it takes to get pregnant. I guess this is why they call it a miracle of birth. Some of the co-payments alone gives me chills and the pain and suffering that my wife endures to get pregnant makes me so guilty as a husband and as a man. At first I thought it had to do with my history in the Corp, with all those shots that were given to us. I sometimes wish she was the one that resigned so she can stay home and be stress-free. That's what the doctor wanted for us, to be stress-free. Go on a second honeymoon.I even felt a slap on the face on my birthday. I thought the one thing that I wanted more on my birthday was a demo release of GR:AW. Until my wife said, the reason she didn't buy me a birthday give was that, she would be pregnant on my birthday. And she wasn't, and I really felt that my world sunk in and felt so stupid for wishing to have a demo on my birthday vs to become a father on my birthday. Shame and guilt couldn't even describe how low I felt that day.I turned 37 and I felt shamed that I this stage in my life that I was still selfish and not aware of who am I am right now. A husband to a very loving wife who's only wish for my birthday was to have me not only as a husband but also a father.I'm online looking for a job, while my wife goes to an actual job. It sucks to the very core as a husband. Whats so worst about it, after she told me that her pregnancy test was negative, she apologize to me that she was not able to give me her gift, but she also promised that when GR:AW would be release, she would buy it for me as a delayed birthday gift.Ouch!!!!I'm excited that GR:AW will finally be released. I am not excited on how I am going to get it though. What am I supposed to do? Accept the game, kiss my wife, thank her and then go on my way of playing the game? Seems too cold to her, my wife.She asked me this afternoon, how much do I love her. I hate that question because there is never a correct answer for that. Because she is not asking me how much as in a numerical number, but a symbolic gesture. What is that "how much" mean is the meat of the question.What do I say to tell her how much?
1 Comment
Recommended Comments