Soldier Humour/Jokes

[McNamee]

Didn't somebody post this here already?

WOOPS, was it here? lol, i'm a member of too many forums, i knew I had posted it somewhere, just not here.

[Gordo_Viper]

Hut-2-3-4

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

[Gordo_Viper]

Captain Jack And The Mistaken Hooker Bust

One day, Captain Jack was driving around in his car on his way to the Army Base where he was stationed. It was a really hot day, since this was somewhere in Texas during the height of Summer.

He drove past a very attractive young lady, whose name was Lydia, who was standing by the side of the road wearing very nice clothes. Since the Captain had a little time before he had to get to the Base, he decided, as a Good Samaritan, that he would offer the woman a ride in his car since she looked all sweaty and lost due to the heat.

Well, he stops the car and asks her if she would like a ride. And the girl says, "Hey guess what, I'm an undercover cop and you are under arrest for solicitation."

Well, Captain Jack was pretty bummed out about this but he thought he would be able to beat the charge at trial because he hadn't done anything except try to be nice to the woman.

However, the first question the Judge asked the Captain at the trial was, "Why did you stop your car and ask if you could give that young lady a ride?" And, Captain Jack proudly proclaimed: "Because she looked so hot!!" And then the Judge, with a big toothy grin, said: "Boy, are you ever guilty, that will be 90 days in the slammer for you!!"

[Gordo_Viper]

West Point Joke

The Annapolis grad walked into the bar, sat down and said, “Hey barkeep, you hear the joke about the four West Point players in a farmhouse?” Chairs scraped behind him, and four of the biggest, meanest guys in the bar stood up. “We played for Army. You sure you wanna tell that joke?”

The Navy grad smirked in disbelief and said, “What, and have to explain it four times?”

[Gordo_Viper]

British Military Performance Reports

The following are actual excerpts taken from British Military performance reports:

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this officer.

- This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom - and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age. - This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. - The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

[Gordo_Viper]

Don't Volunteer

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,

which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Gordo_Viper]

People who don't believe in retaliation...

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

[Gordo_Viper]

Role Reversal

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

[Gordo_Viper]

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't ###### with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Gordo_Viper]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were

clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the

windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker

on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have

orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new

at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

[Gordo_Viper]

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

[MarauderMike]

LOL

Especially the ones on Performance Reports and Retaliation...

*runs off to share with hippie-peacenik friend*

[MarauderMike]

Definition of a Basa -

[MarauderMike]

Who the hell wants to be a SEAL anyway...

[Csmith_Fan]

Two SAS soldiers were in driving in Germany and saw a US Army post. They decided to stop in for a visit and some chow. They approach the base and the Army MP walks up to the driver's window and taps it with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and the Army MP smacks him in the head with his nightstick.

"Why'd you do that?" the driver asked.

The MP replies "You're on a US Army base son. When I come up to your car, you WILL have your ID card ready."

The driver says "I'm sorry. We're in the British SAS and didnt know."

The MP examines the ID card and gives it back to the driver. He then walks around the car to the passenger side and taps on the window. As the other SAS soldier rolls down the window, the MP smacks him with the nightstick.

"What the hell did you do that for?!?" the soldier exclaimed

The MP replies "Just making your wish come true."

"Huh?" replies the SAS soldier

The MP answers "I knew that as soon as you pulled away, you were gonna say "I wish that ###### tried that with me!" "

[MarauderMike]

Frickin' meat heads...

[MarauderMike]

Sending Old Men Off To War

If you are over 50 now the Armed Forces say you are too old to track

down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've

got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to

fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys

only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000

additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier

is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into

submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet (poor Yanks) and you shouldn't go to war

until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on

the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35

and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and a C-6 would do

wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up

early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd

probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number

would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting

screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also

developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost

better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in

combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the

side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can

hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen

anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to

shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the

top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's

still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and

that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an

eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more

about life before sending them off to possible death.

The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of

million old farts with attitudes.

[ninjas_eat_pirates]

213 Things Skippy Can't Do in the Army

Hilarious list

[MarauderMike]

That's a great List NEP!

[Chems]

213 Things Skippy Can't Do in the Army so funny

[Avey]

Hand Signals

[MarauderMike]

Hand Signals

Those are great Avey!

[Csmith_Fan]

I'm surprised this one was forgotten about..an oldie but good...

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So one night, around a campfire, some "operators" were discussing who was really the best of the best. The SEAL spoke up first. "I leave a sub at 100ft underwater, no airtanks, swim against the current, with 100lbs of gear on, hit the beach, run at a sprint for 30 klicks, do my operation and make it back to the sub before evening chow." The Marine FAST member drank his beer and grunted. "Bah! Damn squid. Try this, dead run for 50 klicks in 100+F degree weather, 120lbs of gear, get to the target and take it out with a shoelace, blow up the base and then make it back before lunch." The others nodded and the Green Beret spoke up. "Ok, granted you guys are fast, but try this, hike across 1/2 of the Middle East with 100lbs of gear and not be detected, get to the assigned area, have supplies that if rationed will last 4 days, yet it's day 15, and snipe a warlord from over 2000yds away and remain in the smae spot for another 15 days before extraction as 1/2 of Al Queddia are walking over your back looking for you." The SEAL and Marine nodded. All was quiet and they looked to the Air Force PJ for a response. He just stood there and stirred the fire with his d***.

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Ok...another one.....

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The JCS were walking down the street talking about which branch was the best and had the most balls. So the Navy Admiral looked around and saw a CPO. He called him over. The CPO came over and popped a perfect salute. "CPO Johnson reporting as ordered Admiral." The Admiral spoke "Chief, see that biker bar? I want you to go over there and say in a loud authoritive voice that Peter Fonda and the movie "Easy Rider" sucked. The CPO took off into the bar..a moment later bikers were being thrown out the window and door. The CPO then marches out smartly and reports back. "Mission Accomplished sir." The Admiral looked over and said "Now that took balls."

The AIr Force General chuckled as he spied a tech sergant. He called him over and the NCO popped a perfect salute. "Tech Sergant Anderson reporting sir." The General spoke "Anderson? See that junkyard with the rabid pit bulls and rotwillers? Go and take them out." Anderson saluted and ran over the junkyard where immeaditly he was attacked. Within 15 seconds he killed all twelve dogs with his bare hands. The owner leaps out, shotgun in hand and is about to take a shot, but Anderson snatches the gun out of his hands and snaps his neck. He then marches over and reports "Mission accomplished General." The General smiled at the other JCS and said "Now that took balls."

The Marine Corps Commandant laughed out loud. He spied a gunnery sergant and called him over. The NCO marches over, pops a salute "Sir! Gunnery Sergant Michaels reporting sir!" The Commandant replies "Gunny? See that 18 wheeler? Stop it by any means necessary." "Yes sir!" and the Marine steps out in front of the truck. He holds his hand up and shouts "By orders of the USMC Commandant HALT!" and the semi runs him over. The JCS gasp as the Commandant smiles. Gunny stands up and runs after the the semi. He jumps on board, climbs his way to the cab, pulls the driver out, tosses him to the ground and stops the semi. He then jumps ON the driver and beats him within an inch of his life, all the while saying "When the Commandant wants you to halt, you WILL halt!". After the driver passes out, the marine reports back "Mission accomplished Commandant." The Commandant looks at the others and says "Now that took balls."

The US Army General chuckles and looks about. He sees a private with boots that looked like they were shined with a Hershey bar, pants unbloused, shirt all wrinkly and muddy, hair long and cap on backwards. He calls out "Private? Come here please." The private storlls over and says "What up G?" The General points to a flagpole and says "Private? Climb up that pole, sing the National Anthem and then jump off in a swan dive." The private looks at the general and says "Screw you!"

The general looks at the rest and says "Now THAT took balls"

[MarauderMike]

Those are good ones!

[The_Slink]

Aaah. The Skippy List....

Been looking for that....